The Bookstore

At one point in time I was a frequent guest of the self-help section of the book store - emphasis on the words SELF-HELP.  I was looking for something - a thought, a word, a sentence, a quote, something - that would help to flame the fire that had already been lit in my heart.  But I was often disappointed; because the journey I read about in those books and the stories of success at the end did not leave me feeling inspired - it left me wanting to shoot myself (not literally).  I could not help but to think that these people were doing a disservice to the millions of readers out there searching for the same things, and more importantly they were wasting my money.  Although the endings of these stories were real and apparent in the news, and Forbes, and the tight circles they frequented, they weren't realistic.  Like many times in my life, they were a synopsis leaving out all of the negative aspects - maybe to protect the self or the ego - but romanticizing the success by portraying that with these few simple steps all my problems would go away.  Even more so, it led me to deduce that if I still felt the same guilt, shame, fear, or pierces to my self worth or self-esteem it was because I was not doing something right in my life, or I was not accurately following these steps.

So I walk out of the self-help isle and past the periodical stands and read the titles on the magazines that promise the same thing - your best body in 10 days, overcoming depression in 3 steps, finding a mate in 5 minutes - and the list goes on.  Now I feel worse, because not only is it my fault that emotionally and mentally I'm struggling on this battlefield of life; physically and socially, I am a failure because I can't seem to lose the extra pounds I picked up after college ball, or no one bought be a drink at the bar that night, or I've failed once again in this unfulfilling relationship and I'm going to end up alone.

Books are fundamental, and by this time I'm fundamentally through with myself and my life, and don't now where else to turn.  So I decide to check out the religion section.  Me, I grew up baptist - or as my pastor would say baptist with a lowercase 'b' and Christian with a capital 'C'.  Anyways, I sift through the different translations of the Bible and move over to the spiritual books.  At this point I'm trying to win the "Battlefield of the Mind"and "Live [My] Best Life Now"in a "Purpose Driven Life" so that I won't get "Left Behind".  I'm not perfect, I know this.  I drink, I'm compassionate, I've smoked, I'm loving, laid and played, sacrificed, lied, been raped, cheated, been devalued, hurt others, been hurt, caused pain, cried, judged and been misunderstood.  I've played on both sides of the fence trying to figure out this thing called life, and trying to explore this thing inside of me that just won't let me go.  But now in the religious section I learn that number one I have to believe, and I have to ask God for what I want.  And if I don't get what I asked, then it must be because I really didn't believe and I delayed or lost it because of doubt.   Concurrently, if I don't sense God, it's because I sin.   When I try my hardest not to sin and "beat myself into submission" but I'm not happy it's because I don't really believe.   So now I feel like it's my fault that my life is the way it is because I'm not accurately following the steps, I don't believe, and God is disappointed in me because I'm not doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing.

I don't know how many people get caught up in this constant battle to overcome disappointment and punishing the self for where or why things - internally or externally - aren't better.  Quite frankly, this angers me, because I know from deep within this is not how life is supposed to be.  Regardless of when I'm a saint or a sinner, I feel the presence of God in my life.  More than that, whether my prayers are structured or I'm just riding in my car having a frank conversation, I know God is there and He hears me.  And I know in my heart that if I continue to follow this unexplainable feeling from deep within, it will take me further than any of the steps of any book can guide.  And today that gives me comfort, and helps me to appreciate more where I am in this moment.  I don't have to be more right now, more today, more tomorrow.  None of that is promised.  Today all I have to do is listen to the voice deeps in the crevices of my being, further than the depths of my heart laying in the lull between each breath that I take, and resting it's head of each pause between my heart beats.  It is in that  place that I find all the help in the world, if I just set aside the time to listen.

As I exit the bookstore I leave thousands of authors behind, as go back to the One that has been sitting on the shelf all along.

-IAmJoCoop